Cooking the Books with Roger and Rita assisted by little Dan the Man

A series of recipes on how you can come up with a “Financial Plan” and a “Budget” without having any money. More sleight of hand than David Copperfield. Penn and Teller would be proud. If you have a thought bubble but no money to promote it do not despair these recipes would make Gordon Ramsey swear how sensational they are, in the words of Jamie Oliver “Bish, Bash, Bosh”

1.     SIAS – Suck It And See.

You have no Business Case, no Financial Plan. What to do? You sit around the cabinet table and shout out a big number. There will be an inevitable drawing in of breath from your colleagues, but you go ahead on this basis as your given budget, hence Suck It And See.

2.     SAP – Saffioti AND Pastorelli.

Not to be confused with the well used accounting system used by Governments and Companies the world over. This unique form of budgeting consists of spinning and weaving a series of implausible stories by Saffiotti and getting the boy Pastorelli to deliver them. Saffioti starts off with the masterplan, a V8 Motorplex but when there is pushback the Deputy Premier changes the description of the dish to be served up and gets the boy Dan to deliver them. When it is once again rejected the sham starts all over again. This never really works and because it takes so long for the dish to be prepared it is horrendously expensive. But Rita and Dan are proud of their work.

3.     TIOLI – Take It Or Leave It.

This one is really interesting. Cook and Saffioti dream up a figure and then tell everyone that is all there is to offer. No negotiations. Straight out of the Trump playbook, Take It Or Leave It. Once again young Dan is expected the sell this to the public as the best thing since sliced bread. Let them eat cake? Could this be a RACO deal?

4.     WGLOM – We’ve Got Loads Of Money.

Like the 1990’s British comedian Harry Enfield whose character “Loads of Money” literally had money to burn. Roger and Rita decide that the State has so much money that they can spend the taxpayers hard earned like a couple of drunken sailors just back in to port. $220million? That’s just chump change to Roger and Rita, they find that kind of money down the back of the sofa.

5.     SIQATWN – Say It Quietly And They Won’t Notice.

This is a sneaky one. You push it through hoping no one will notice. The fact that you spend a crafty $4million before you even have a budget makes this zany approach to accounting even more audacious. If you can hear a squeaking sound in the background that is Ben Wyatt turning over in his Treasurer’s grave having worked so hard to give the State Budget a AAA rating.